This week has been exceptionally hard. I have recently discovered that I experience severe, uncontrollable anxiety when I go out in public alone. I break out in a sweat, my hands start to shake, and my mind races at 1,000 MPH—it feels exactly like what I imagine an out-of-control freight train would be. Because of this, I'm so sorry I am late getting this update out to you all.
Kevin has been trying his absolute best to get me out of the house. On Saturday, we went to the Minnesota Lake Fall Festival. I normally set up a booth there and typically do pretty well, but when we arrived this year, it felt like walking through an old Western ghost town. Thankfully, on the way there, we called Shaggy and invited him and his wonderful husband, Wayne, to meet us for lunch at the Orange Door.
Normally I don't drink, but I had two "Caramel Apple" drinks, and they were so, so good! But two was definitely my limit. Spending time with Shaggy (my bestie, Steven) and Wayne is always nice because they are a safe space for me. Shaggy has been with me every single step of the way emotionally through this journey.
He was also a recent victim of my post-anesthesia mind. For some reason, every time I am put under medical anesthesia, I come home and impulsively delete people from my life. Afterward, I always have to tuck my tail between my legs and beg for forgiveness to put things back where they belong. Apparently, during my recent medication fiasco when I couldn't get my regular prescriptions, I took it a step further and blocked everyone from contacting me at all.
One day, I was sitting at home crying and feeling completely pathetic when my doorbell rang. I looked at the Ring camera and saw it was Shaggy. I went running to the door, threw myself into his arms, and just cried and cried. He came in, we talked for a bit, and I explained everything that had been happening. He went on his way, and I felt better, even if just for a minute. Wayne has since offered to go with me on errands if Kevin can't be there. We have come to realize that it isn't specifically a need for "Kevin"—it’s simply a profound need to be with people I know and that I am comfortable with an not be alone right now.
On Sunday, Kevin coaxed me to sit outside in our pergola for a while. In the mid-morning, we sat out there together and enjoyed a cup of coffee. Afterward, we loaded up two of our kittens and took them over to Blanche’s house; she has a friend named Jacki who wanted them. We still have two babies and the baby momma left to find homes for.
While there, I brought some lotion and a bar of soap over to Blanche’s mom, Linda. I explained to her that I have ordered better-quality essential oils and will be bringing her upgraded bottles and bars in the future. We hung out for at least an hour visiting with Blanche and Linda, and then we headed into town. We stopped at Michaels to grab some Halloween silicone molds to make wax melts for the upcoming Day of the Dead show on October 31st in Mankato.
In the evening, Kevin and I spent some time with Sara and Lewis, our wonderful friends and neighbors. Seriously, if you have to have neighbors, these are the absolute best ones to have. They have done so much for us and have been right there with me through all of this—at least, as much as I have let them in. I feel incredibly calm around them. It was a short visit because as the sun went down and the air cooled, the bugs got terrible. By the time we headed inside at 7:30 PM, I had to set up our medications for the week and start the process of unwinding.
Today is my first day back at work, and we will see how it goes. Alongside getting back into the routine of work, I have a busy production week ahead: nine loaves of soap to make, lotions and body butters to whip up, and whatever else I can squeeze in to get ready for the Day of the Dead show.
Through the chaos of this week, I am profoundly thankful for the people in my life: Sara, Lewis, Shaggy, Wayne, Kevin, and Aaron. I'm also thankful for the rest of the crew that lives in my house (sometimes!), Dawn and the rest of the Birds, Jones' Knights, and the Snyders. Even though some of you are supporting me from a distance, I truly cannot imagine where I would be without you.
Until next time... keep finding joy in the ordinary, hope in the hard days, and strength you didn't know you had.
Thanks for walking this journey with me.
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